Vetting Potential Doms and Submissives
Vetting 101
It is important to remember that ‘vetting’ is just a fancy word for getting to know each other openly in the lifestyle of BDSM. It means you both openly recognize and accept that you are kinky and looking to meet your ideal Dom, sub or play partner.
It is not a job interview and should not be treated as one.
It is a relationship first and foremost, so you will often see folks recommend that you ask potential Doms or subs for a reference to help ensure that they prioritize safety when engaging in interactions.
From whom do they expect to get a reference?
An ex boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife are some common options. References are intended for professional dominants, submissives and others with whom you may wish to interact in a transactional relationship. All have the right to ask for a reference as a part of their vetting process since there is an exchange of money for play and less vetting time in the professional scene than is available to those seeking a romantic long term arrangement.
Conversely, when vetting for a long-term personal relationship, it is primarily about knowing what YOU want. When you know exactly what you want in a partner, half of the work is already done. If you don’t know what you want in a Dom or sub then you are flying solo without a compass.
When you know what you want and why you want it, you will NOT allow yourself to settle for less. This makes you 100x more attractive to the one you seek. Compatibility is just as important in ‘kink’ relationships, if not more so, than in traditional, a.k.a. ‘vanilla’ relationships.
It is important to realize that just as you are seeking someone to fulfill your dreams, there is also someone out there looking for you to fulfill their dreams. You will know them when you meet them because they will align with your world view on life, as well as your kinks and fetishes. You will feel it,
which brings us to the next tip in vetting…
Trust your intuition, your gut instinct, do not doubt yourself when it comes to picking a potential Dom or sub. If the vibe feels off, it is! Trust yourself. We all know what happens when we choose not to listen to our instincts.
Its not only important to know what you want in a relationship its even more important to know your boundaries.
When I speak of boundaries I’m not talking about just kinky hard limits. I’m talking about your limits and boundaries as a person, as a man, as a woman, as a dominant, as a submissive, and as a human being. In general terms, ‘boundaries’ can be considered as Hard limits to exposure of your ‘kinks’ A typical boundary might be.. not being exposed to your professional colleagues,
non-kinky family members, children etc. Such exposure can result in negative real life consequences such as job loss, expulsion from family, removal of children by child protective services etc.
Knowing your boundaries before engaging in ‘kink’ can help prevent others from being able to pressure you into do things you do not want to do.
As my mother used to tell me.. “Once you make your own rules for yourself. Don’t break’ em For anyone or anything.”
This is a part of knowing oneself.
It’s also a part of self love. If you are a submissive reading this, you make it possible for us to be Doms. Without your submission we cannot be a Dom. You have every right to set healthy boundaries between yourself and your Dom. A Dom has these same rights.
It is not your job as a Dom to save a submissive from themselves. Only they can save themselves. All we can do as Doms is give them space to heal but we cannot do the work for them, nor should we.
Take a moment to really think about what you want in life and in a relationship. Think about your limits, wants, needs and desires. Once you have done that, promise yourself no less.
Click here to read the 5 questions I recommend asking any potential Dom or Sub to discover if they are the one for you
